THe Annual Panto

Somewhere to post the 'occasional joke' and an outlet for some of the light-hearted topics we sometimes get on here. Please keep all jokes clean!
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Post by nell » Mon Dec 17, 2012 1:04 pm

Need I say which one I would like to be? Floozie of course and can I still wear the fish nets?

zoe j
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Post by zoe j » Tue Dec 18, 2012 2:28 pm

Roger the cabin boy, please - or whatever else he is called!

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Post by orinoco » Fri Dec 21, 2012 10:53 pm

I will be Captain long John, Ah shiver me timbers matey.

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Post by plook » Fri Jan 04, 2013 5:32 pm

The Diffield Virtual Panto
Treasure Island
Act 1 Long John Arrives

Long John Silver arrives at River Head Driffield to recruit Pirates for his next adventure. He landed at the Port of Hull and went like a rat up a drainpipe up the river and canal to Driffield and walks into his local pub

Long Jon Silver: Oh are me arties tis I Long John back from me travels.
Landlord: What ever have you been through, Long John.
Long John: I’ve been through a great deal of turmoil with them their Royal Navy ships.
Landlord: But long John you had two legs when you set out on your last adventure.
LJ: I know Mobey Dick gave me this leg

A shout from the rear: Well give him it back it doesn’t suit you!

Landlord: Take no notice, but if you had arrived sooner you could have taken part in the Olympics.
LJ: Enough , get me a pint of grog and a good woman who agh who agh!
Landlord: well here ‘s the grog but you will have difficulty finding a good woman in Driffield unless you would be happy with Little Nell?
LJ: Little Nell not the one that does the trick with a stepladder and tassels every year around this time of year after downing 10 pints of grog?
Land Lord: The very same! But there are two more ladies that you might like twin sisters, Neuralgia and Siatica.
LG: Go and bring Nell to me make sure she is wearing her fish nets.

The landlord leaves Long John to his thoughts and spitting in the fire watches it sizzle

LandLord: He she be Long John!
He brings a trollop up to long John. There is a smell of fish which is probably from the black fish net tights she is wearing.

LJ: Come over her me beauty what be your name? and lets have a look at you well from this side you look pretty terrible but from this side you look much better but that’s probably due to the patch over me eye!

Nell: WHOOO Long John you are a tease! It’s a long time since I saw you . Where have you been?.
LJ: at sea for forty days and forty nights and I have come up the River and Canals from the Humber on me barge the Flying Pig to Driffield to recruit a new crew. He starts to sing:

Hay diddley de a pirate life for me!
Looking for treasure and fighting the foe
With the wind behind us giving a good blow.
Hay diddley de a pirates life for me!

Nell: What a lovely voice you have Long John, may I ask you a question?
LJ: Of cause you may me dear.
Nell: Well why do they call you Long-John?
LJ:Well they calls me long John because my name is John but if you comes over here I will show you more

LJ takes Nell into a corner to show her his long john.
Nell: Scream! My god is it dead!
LJ: No me dear it’s resting.

Two more trollops come in

Nell: Meet my sisters Sciatica and Neuralgia.

LJ: No!! I’m off to recruit some pirates …… but I will be back!

Long John leaves the pub and hops up Main Street- on his way he meets a group of train spotters.

LJ: Who be you lot then?

Train spotters get their books and pencils out and say in unison

Train Spotters: No you first who are you?
LJ: I’m Long John Silver and I am looking for some healthy lads to come with me to raise hell and sail the seas! Are you for it?

Train Spotters: Yes we are

LJ: Right what’s your name.

1st Pirate: Minsing
2nd Pirate: Mr Bates and his son the cabin boy.
3rd Pirate : Dirty Dick
4th Pirate; Trumpy
5th Pirate: Algernon Farquarseon alias (Posh)
Blith Pueue- but no one has seen him
Mr Flint: The Parrot

LJ: OK you can all join the ship but I would like some female company on my next voyage do you know of and female pirates.

All shout : Yes we do there is a pick of two identical twin pirates Ophelia Nutts/ Ophelia Fanny and Mucky Maggie From Nafferton Slack, Sciatica and Neuralgia

LJ: I will take Ophelia Nutts go and get her!

Off they all go but come back saying they cant find her.

LJ:Well what do they look like oh they are big strapping lasses aged about 25 going on 50.
They can pack a punch so keep your eye out for them. The main one is Nell.

LG : Keep my eye out I’ve only got one eye left and I have met that Nell with the fish nets she had a peculiar whiff about her.

1st Pirate: I found Ophelia Nuts but she refused to come unless she could accompany her personal pirate Minsing and Ophelia Fanny is away on holiday in Barmston

LJ: Yes sure she can bring Minsing hes one of us already.

They both come in Minsing holds Ophelia s hand moves to wards Long John.

LJ: Come one me ‘arties we are all going back to my ship the Black Pig

ACT 2 On the Ship

O: Now then long John nice to see you again.
LG: Come here and sit on my knee.
ON: Oh Long John is that your wooden leg or are you just pleased to see me?
LG: Both my dear. Here have a swig of grog archhhh.

Minsing starts to fidget.

O: What up with you Minsing?

Minsing: Well I am rather embarrassed I haven't been introduced to anyone.
O: Leave us -go and introduce yourself to the other pirates.

Minsing goes out and greets the four pirates.

Minsing: Hello what’s your name to pirate 1
P1: I am one my name is Dirty Dick
Minsing: Oh good so am I. What’s your name pirate 2
P2: I am two. Oh jolly good
Minsing: Oh goody, that’s three of us. What’s your name Pirate 3
P3: I am three
Minsing: Nice to meet you. What’s your name Pirate 4
P4: I am four.
Minsing: Well you are a big lad for your age! Is anyone else joining our crew.
Mr Bates Son: yes my dad is the first mate Mr Bates……………..
P1: Yes and Blyth Pew

We are sailing, We are sailing
Up the Humber and the Hull
Till we get to the village Wansford
To the illegal road bridge that should be gone

We are sailing, We are sailing
Onto Driffield’s River Head
When we get there we will stop there
Its what all the people dread.

Qh no it isn't!
Oh yes it is!
Oh no it isn't!

Well what puts you in fear and dread if it’s not a boat load of pirates?
A boat full of Bankers!!

LJ: Just a minute whose that lovely Driffield Girl? Is it Ophelia Nuts

Dirty Dick: Oh be careful its one of the twins Ophelia Nuts.

LJ:Well which one is she?

Dirty Dick he walks over to the Ophelia. There is a loud scream!!!

Dirty Dick: He shouts back -its Ophelia Nuts

Minsing: Hello sailor! What up with you lot?

LJ: Never mind what’s up with you lot where have you been?

Minsing: Oh I popped to Boots to get some cream for me chaps!

They all look at him suspiciously

Minsing: Oh Long John I do like your Frock Coat!

LJ:Come over here you little squirt and I’ll hang you from the yardarm.

Minsing: I love it when you get cwoss!

LJ : we are going to the Ball at the Town Hall on Exchange Street so get ready.

The pirates jump for joy and start singing:

We're riding along on the crest of a wave
And we are sailing down to Hull,
All our eyes on the distant horizon
Look out for grog and fun.
We'll do the hailing
While other ships are round us sailing
We're riding along on the crest of a wave
and we are sailing down to Hull.

All hands aboard, boys,
The Black Pig is calling for more.
We're getting ready,
Now for a steady -
Pull-away from the home shore.
We're off to find adventure anyhow
Because we know that now:-

We're riding along on the crest of a wave
And we are sailing down to Hull,
All our eyes on the distant horizon
Look out for grog and fun.
We'll do the hailing
While other ships are round us sailing
We're riding along on the crest of a wave
and we are sailing down to Hull.

ACT 3 The Ball

The ball everyone is having a rave up . All the ladies are dancing around their handbags and all the men are standing around with pints in their hands picking up Dutch courage to dance with a “lady”.

Long John arrives with the pirates and their women Ophelia Nuts , Sciatica ,Neuralgia, and Nell in her fish net tights! Jock Strap and the Swingers are playing and are on form.

The Doorman comes in: and says No parrots in her.

Mr Flint: Polly wants a cracker!
LJ: You leave my parrot alone
Door man: Okay but give me your flintlock and cutlass?
LJ: Push Off or I’ll slit your gizzard
Mr Flint: Whose a cheeky boy then? Pieces of eight-pieces of eight!
LJ: Shut up you daft bird or I’ll pluck you and have you for dinner!!
Mr Flint: Gulp
The doorman starts to suck up to Long John
Door Man: What sort of Parrot is it?
LJ: A Norwegian Blue now p… off
Doorman: As anybody seen Blyth Pew?

Minsing and Dirty Dick are having a dance Ophelia Nuts is sulking in the corner because Nell has threatened her with her stiletto to keep her hand off Long John.
Trumpy is break dancing and farting every time he bends double-there is a wide ring around him.
Is there tear gass in here?
Sciatica and Neuralgia are dancing around a swag bag containing all the items she has lifted from the cloak rooms.
Long John and Nell are dancing unfortunately a spell from Long Johns wooden leg has caught on Nells fish nets so they look very come dancing.

LJ: Nell my lovely can I ask you a question?
Nell: Of cause you can.
LJ: That perfume you use is it AVON?
Nell: Why yes Long John
LJ: Here’s my Heart

Long John thinks its more like here.s my arm pit. He skrewws his eyes up takes in a deep breath, shakes his head then foxtrots across the floor with Nell and the Parrot

A fight breaks out the pirates are set upon someone calls the police. There are several locals
stroon about the place and the Blackmaria arrives and like all good night outs in Driffield several are thrown into the back of it. Long John and his pirates escape through the back door , Ophelia Nuts ,Sciatica, Neuralgia and Nell follow.

LJ: Come on me ‘arties its time we sailed to Treasure Island. By the way as anyone seen Blyth Pew

Act 4 Treasure Island

The Black Pig is anchored off shaw in a lovely bay , white sand palm trees and the girls sunbathing with their corsets off. The pirates are off looking for treasure. Ophelia Nuts looks up.

O: Look Girls whats that?

In the distance they see a person walking by the sea coming slowly towards them as he gets closer
The girls detect that he is young, blond , muscular, six foot with a Rhubarb leaf covering his bits.

O: I saw him first!!

She walk up to him and says….

O: What is your name
Beach Boy: My name is Robinson.
O: Robinson Crusoe
Robinson: No -he was my Dad I have been alone here since I was five years old ,my name is Robinson Barley Water. What are you?

O: We are women
Robinson: What are they?
O: Have you not seen a woman before!?
Robinson: No
O: Does this mean you have never been with a woman before?
Robinson: Yes I have never been with a woman before.
O: Well if you would like to come with me behind this palm tree I will sort this out for you.

Ophelia takes him behind the tree and there is a lot of grunting, whooos and yes, yes yeses followed by loud snoring. Robinson comes out and joins the girls.

Sciatica: Did you enjoy that Robinson
Robinson: Yes I did
Sciatica: But you look worried
Robinson: Well I am
Sciatica : But why?
Robinson: Look what she’s done to my clam-digger!

Soon another comes walking along the beach a horrible toad like person

Neuralgia: Who are you?
Person: My name is Blyth Pew, I’m looking for Long John Silver!
Neuralgia: Get you ! is that a black spot
Blyth Pew: No it’s a mole
Neuralgia: Aren’t they dangerous.
Blyth Pew: Only if you tease them.

The Pirates are digging for treasure and Singing yo ho ho and a bottle of Rum

They hit something hard it’s the treasure chest full of gold and jewels.

LJ :Come on Lads lets get back to the Girls and the Black Pig.

They return to the beach where the girls are sun bathing-Minsing has a diamond tiara on over his

LJ : Now then everyone we all have enough money to last us our life time. Lets all get into the black pig and sail off to Scagness and have a rave up.

And so they did, Sciatica took Robinson as well and you will be pleased to know that his clam digger got better, Nell and Long John got married, Trumpy got treatment and entered Strickly Come Dancing on Ice, Mister Bates and his son went home to Goole, Neuralgia set up a dress shop and Ophelia Nuts succeeded in getting over her repetitive compulsive disorder and is living in a static caravan in Barmston with her sister Ophelia Fanny.

So as the sun sets they all look towards treasure island and see a figure on the beach its Blyth Pew.

The End

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Post by orinoco » Mon Jan 07, 2013 6:52 pm

Excellent Plook, well done, that must have taken a fair bit of time to write!!!!!!

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Post by nell » Tue Jan 08, 2013 4:43 pm

Made me laugh out loud - luckily I was at home and not on public transport

zoe j
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Post by zoe j » Mon Jan 28, 2013 12:58 am

Very funny...thanks for the Panto Plook!

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Post by plook » Wed Jan 30, 2013 6:50 pm

Hello Barrigton-Minge here thank you for your messages-I have been very busy in the USA-working with Mr Speilburge on his film called Lincoln-I had Small part ,but size isn't every thing you know.
Steve as I am aloud to call him booked me for his next Sci-fi its about a giant haemorroid that may hit the Earth creating a dint just outside Thwing . I have never been a haemorroid before but hay-oh.
Must go now and press me b**ge undies....
A due!


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