Vitual PANTO

Somewhere to post the 'occasional joke' and an outlet for some of the light-hearted topics we sometimes get on here. Please keep all jokes clean!
zoe j
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Post by zoe j » Tue Nov 22, 2011 11:10 am

In reply to Mr Barrington Minge - via Plook.....i'm a big Ginge!

In reply to Nell - i had to wear a Liberty bodice when i was a little girl....and moved on to Derry boots as i got older.
(no kidding)

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Post by plook » Fri Nov 25, 2011 2:44 am

Yes I remember liberty bodices with rubber buttons, and thermogine wool
it was pink and smelt of lineament and kaline poultices and cooling powders.
Barrington-Minge says,Nell you can attach them to your liberty bodice and I am so pleased we have a Ginger Tom in our midst. First act nearly finished.

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Post by plook » Fri Nov 25, 2011 3:07 am

Dick Wittington

Act 1

Its a lovely Summer Day and Big Dick is working in the Kitchen. Gordon Ramsey keeps 'effin and blinding and hitting Dick on the head with his ladle. Poor Dick he is so unhappy , he comes from Thwing but made his way to Driffield to make his fortune but things are not going well. In front of the open fire is the Cat Kitchens Ginger Tom and has Gordon goes by he gives it a kick.

Dick: Poor ***** come her and let me stoke you.
Tom: OK, but don’t let Gordon see you.
Dick: Don’t worry about him he’s fluffing his crusts

Dick : You are a lovely *****
Tom(Cat): Purr-rrrrr-rrrrr
Dick :I am so unhappy lets run away to Beverley and seek our fortune you can come with me.
Tom: Me -how
Dick : Climb in this sack.

Dick ties the cat in the sack then onto his stick . He picks up some fruit to eat on the way.
Dick with his cat run down Main Street onto Beverly Road and onward. As Dick walks on down Beverly Road he sees Alice Fitwarren gardening she is trimming her bush. Dick is immediately smitten with Alice and Alice with Dick.

Dick: I am so thirsty, could you get me a drink of water and some milk for my Ginger Tom.
Alice: Would you like to come in for a cup of tea , but where is your ***** cat .

Dick lets the cat out of the bag

Alice : I will get you a saucer of milk . I have a ***** as well but you cant see it though because it is inside my house.
Dick: Yes we would love come in but I don’t know you, I am Dick
Alice : I am Alice Fitwarren by father is Sir Farquaharson Fitzwarren the well known boxing promoter. You are a big Dick aren’t you!
Dick: Oh Alice you are so lovely, what are you going to do
Cat: Be sick if we have much more of this dialogue
Dick: Be quiet Tom
The cat is looking around it feels hungry
Alice: I am going to make you a cup of tea.
Dick: I feel a little hungry.

He looks in the bag and gets out his plumbs

Alice: They look lovely Dick.

Off they go Alice and Dick gazing into each others eyes. Alice with her pruners in hand Dick with his bag of swag with his plumbs in his hand the cat sulking behind.


All the ratlings come out and dance round Alice’s bush singing:

She will be coming round the mountain when she comes
She will be coming round the mountain when she comes,
Rat , ta , ta ta tat
Rat , ta , ta ta tat

Suddenly Tom comes out and savages them and eats them with his saucer of milk.
Alice and Dick are still looking into each others eyes when the Door Opens and Herbert Fitzwarren, Alice’s Dad comes in.

Fitzwarren: What going on her? Who is he pray?
Alice : Er'............... he’s the Rat Catcher father. His cat is such a good mouser that I asked him into the house for a cup of tea,
Fitzwarren: Well he’s finished his tea so he can clear off. I have important business to attend to.

So Dick and his Cat trudge onto Beverley at Leconfield they are nearly run over by Army Transport but before they get into the town they hear the Minster Bells Ringing out and they seem to say to Dick. Turn back Wittington, Lord Mare of Diffield!! Spooky

Dick: Come on Puss we are going back to Driffield.
Cat: We haven't got to Beverly yet, (Thinks he’s eleven pence halfpenny ,he’s not a full shilling) Have you taken your medication?

But they both turn round and walk back to Driffield

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Post by orinoco » Fri Nov 25, 2011 5:54 pm

Cannot wait for some more, i have been rolmao after reading this, carry on the good work....

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Post by plook » Sun Dec 04, 2011 5:21 pm

Dick Wittington
2nd Act

Dick and his trusty moggie Tom are trudging back to Driffield. Dick can still hear the sound of the Bells from Beverley Minster that Dick interprets as , Turn again Wittington Lord Mayor of Driffield!
Tom is really fed up following Dick occasionally stopping to catch a vole. They get as far as Sunderlandwick and out of the hedge jumps Little Nell wearing a Liberty Bodice with rubber buttons, fish net tights and goblin boots( winkle pickers with turned up toes)

Little Nell: Hello Dick do you want to see my party trick?

The cat runs off

Dick: Nnn-o thank you I am frightened you will have my eye out
Little Nell: No stand well back then you will be OK
Dick : No I'm off to find my true love Alice Fitzwarren
Little Nell: Can I come I will behave .
Dick: Promise?
Little Nell: Stop worrying Dick
Dick: OK you can come along.

The cat returns. As they all get to Alice’s House they hear a commotion and Alice runs out into the path of Dick and his chums.

Alice: Oh Dick, Dick-I am so happy to see you. King Rat has been in my house with his ratlings and stolen all our Christmass Pressents!! I overheard him saying that hes taking them to Beverly via Driffield Canal!! Oh Dick Dick what can I do my father is away and he will hold me responsible.

Dick: Do not frett I have plan we will all go and hide on the barge moored at River Head and before we get to Wansford Bridge.

( The bridge is an illegal structure that does not allow boats through, but in Panto Land its designed to help people that use the canal).

Alice: Oh Dick I knew you would help. I knew that the first time you came upon me whilst I was trimming my bush in the garden.
Dick: Oh Alice!!

Little Nell looks away and the cats sick.

Off they all go to River Head where they observe King Rat and his Ratlings loading the booty into the barge. Dick Alice and the Ginger Tom sneak onto the boat while King Rat and the Ratlings go to the pub. They all look for somewhere to hide.

Dick: I think I will hide under this bell tent.
Alice: How dare you Dick.

The Cat pretends it is a draft excluder and Little Nell straps herself to the front of the boat and pretends she is the figure head.

The crew comes back from the pub there is a bit of a fuss but things soon settle down.

King Rat: Cast off you swabs!

The Ratlings cast off and the barge starts off on its journey to Beverly.
Soon there is only the helmsman on deck every other member of the crew is asleep.

Dick: Pseesttt, Pseest. Are you all there?
Ginger Tom: No we are not all there because if we were we would all be tucked up in bed.
Little Nell: Pseest how dare you I haven't touched a drop all night
Alice: I'm here, where's Dick
Ginger Tom: Well if you dont know now luv you never will.

Dick: Listen I have a Plan.

He tells his chums what plan off acxtion he has.
The barge moors up at Wansford Bridge for the night. The helmsman goes to his bed.

Nell Springs out in the full regalia of a champion tassle tworler, Liberty Bodice with rubber buttons, Fish net tights , navy blue knickers with elastic tops, ( doesn't leave anything to chance) and the famouse tassles. As she twirls her tassles she sings at the top of her voice:

Oh what a beauty I've never seen on as big as that before!
Oh what a beauty it must be five feet long or even more!

As she sings , her tastles go faster and faster. The crew come on deck they are mesmirised by the sight !

I've got a lovely bunch of cocoa nuts
Here they are standing in a row
Big ones small ones some as big as your head
Give em a twist a flick of the wrist........................................

Tom the cat sneaks up behind the Ratlings and start bumping them off. Then King Rat apears.

King Rat:Whats going on here.Oh its that Fitzwarren lass and that Dick that worked in the kitchens.

He pulls out his sword and starts to attack Dick, Dick leaps out of the way just in time.

King Rat: Stop twerling those tassles woman you are jenerating to much wind

Ginger Tom:I think I am as well but its due to the Beans and Ratlings

Dick is losing! King Rat knobbles him in the fight and Dick is knocked out. As King Rat goes to kill Dick the cat jumps on his back and starts bighting his ear off. The surviving Ratlings have abandened ship it up to the Tom the Cat and Alice Fitzwarren to save Dick

King Rat : Arrgh! Get that cat off me!

Unfortunately Dicks plumbs have come out of his napsack and King Rat slips and knocks himself out he has one ear missing.
Dick starts to awake

Dick: Where am I ?
Alice : I am at Wansford on the Kings Rats barge. He's over there .He was going to kill you !
Dick: Jumps up get that rope lets tigh him up before he awayes. Hey every on where is Little Nell.
Cat: I dont know the last time I saw her she was twerling her tassles and distracting, King Rat, the Ratlings and sea King helicopters.
Alice: I do hope she is OK

Then there is a sprinkle of Fairy Dust and BANG!! Flash!! Little Nell apeares.

Dick: You look different !
Little Nell: I am different. I'm not your usual tassle twerler I am Fairy Minster Bells- Tun the barge around Wittington, Lord Mayor of Driffield.

So they did but not before going to the Trout Inn for some grub and afterwards they drifted back to Driffield on a gentle breeze assisted by the cat.

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Post by nell » Sun Dec 04, 2011 11:44 pm

Brilliant - had me laughing out loud. I am so pleased I turned out to be a fairy - it means Christmas is sorted for me - I can sit on top of the tree (pause for usual jokes)and watch over the proceedings with no effort and perhaps only a little stress

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Post by dottie » Mon Dec 05, 2011 12:53 am

Have not had such a good laugh for ages.Cant beat the English sense of humor. I still miss it!! Makes me homesick even after all these years!!

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Post by plook » Mon Dec 05, 2011 1:12 am

Dick Wittington
Act 3
They get back to River Head at Driffield and greeting them is Herbert Fitzwarren ,(Alice’s Dad), and Patrick Fitzwilliam and William Fitzpatrick- hangers on. Alice’s dad is very cross.

Fittz: Where is all the Christmas Presents.
Alice: They are here father , Dick got them back for me!
Fitz: Dick? whose Dick? What Dick?
Alice: You remember father I met him last week whilst trimming my bush he has got such a big ginger Tom called Tom father and he’s ever such a good mouser father.
Fitz: So you are Dick are you?
Dick: Yes Sir and I am in love with your daughter and I would very much like to marry her.
Fitz: Well you would would you. How intelligent are you?
Dick: Not so bad sir.
Fitz: Well I will ask you some questions and you fill in the gaps.
Dick: OK Sir
Fitz: The pass between India and Pakistan is called the Kiber …............
Dick: Pass!
Fitz: OK we will try again. On the game master mind what do you say if you don’t know the question?
Fitz: One more to go. Now think carefully, when you fart it is also known that you.............wind?
Dick: Pass!!

Alice’s Dad turns to Alice

Fitze: He’s bit thick for a cabin boy ,none out of three!!!
Alice: Oh father your questions were unfair!! I want to marry my Dick

Fitz goes back to see Dick

Fitz: Now my lad my daughter is set on marring you What are your prospects are you a big Dick or a little one?
Dick: I don’t know sir, however I did go as a petrol pump at the last new years bash.
Fitz: Lets change the subject, I am a very influential person in this town . I am leader of the Town Council you know.
Dick: You are very very important person then
Fitz: Thank you well we are looking to have a Lord Mayor of Driffield like the one they have in Wetwang but a bit more sensible, not like that weather bloke who grins when he tells you there will be 6 feet of snow. We want a proper on, you know with a big hat and a red frock and a chain round their neck.
Dick: I love dressing up!
Cat: I knew it would come to this where is Fairy Minster Bell when you want her?!!

And so Herbert Fitzwarren Chairman of the Town Council, Patrick Fitzwilliam and William Fitzpatrick and his other mates get together and succeed in getting Dick Wittington Crowned Lord Mayer of Driffield. Alice is over joyed but Fairy Minster Bell has disappeared. Dick and Alice and the Ginger Tom are happily ensconced in Highfield House a little mock Tudor residence.

Suddenly there is a Crash BANG Wallop and bingo Fairy Minster Bell appears.

Little Nell the Fairy Minster Bell: Sorry I have been away I have been sprinkling fairy dust all around in Driffield .
Dick: What have you done?
Nell: Well I have sprinkled it up north Street and main Street and all the Disabled permits have disappeared!
Dick/Alice and the Cat: Hurray!!
Nell the Minster Fiery Bell: I have sprinkled it in all the shops so that all the shop assistants smile and give you excellent service.
I sprinkled it at the bus stops so that all the buses were warm and clean and on time. made all the bus shelters warm and nice and cleaned out every phone box so its clean and lovely and did an extra wish so that anyone peeing in them would soon find that their willies dropping off. I have also made sure that no cars can go faster than 60mph and automatically drop to 30mph. Tractors will pull over when there are more than three cars behind them to let them pass.

Dick: You have been busy! We got the Christmas presents back and you have made such a difference to Driffield.
Fairy Bell: Oh no Dick the people will think its you, you will probably made Lord Mayer more often.

Song sung by Alice and Fairy Nell after getting the old twirlers out:

We're just some galls that cant say no as you have probably guest .
(the Cat looks to heaven for devise intervention)
Dick and the Cat:They're just some gals that cant say no as you can see by their vest

And so it goes they all lived in happy contentment Alice and Dick ,Dick looking at Alice and Alice Stroking her ***** Tom. The Cat occasionally going out on night raids and peeing on Gordon’s flower arrangements and Fairy Minster Bell desperately trying to get the fairy dust to help her get the letter through the letterbox.

The End

A Branston -Pickle Production for Driffield Forum

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Post by plook » Tue Dec 06, 2011 10:47 am

A message from Barrington-Minge -just to let you know the panto has been nominated for a golden slipper award!!!

zoe j
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Joined: Sat Dec 02, 2006 9:52 pm

Post by zoe j » Thu Dec 08, 2011 1:00 pm

quote:Originally posted by plook
A message from Barrington-Minge -just to let you know the panto has been nominated for a golden slipper award!!!

Thanks to Mr Barrington-Minge - via Plook.. for this years was hilarious.
A worthy winner indeed for the golden slipper award...:)

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