Irish

Somewhere to post the 'occasional joke' and an outlet for some of the light-hearted topics we sometimes get on here. Please keep all jokes clean!
DF
Posts: 206
Joined: Fri Nov 05, 2004 9:46 pm

Post by DF » Fri Nov 28, 2008 3:07 pm

Paddy weighs 120kg , so his doctor puts him on a diet.

'I want you to eat regularly for 2 days, then skip a day and repeat this for 2 weeks, you should loose 10kgs .'

When Paddy returned, he shocked the doctor by having lost 40 kg

'That?s amazing the doc said'...Paddy nodded...'I'll tell you, I taut I was gonna drop dead by DA 3rd day.'

'What from hunger said the doc?'...
'No from the flipping skipping !

DF
Posts: 206
Joined: Fri Nov 05, 2004 9:46 pm

Post by DF » Wed Jan 28, 2009 4:47 pm

An Irishman, an Englishman and a Scot were sitting in a bar. The view was fantastic, the beer excellent, the food exceptional.

"Y'ken," said the Scotsman, "I still prefer the pubs back hame. Why, in Glasgow there's a wee bar called McTavish's. Now, the landlord there goes out of his way for the locals so much that when you buy 4 drinks, he will buy the 5th drink for you."

"Well," said the Englishman, "at my local, The Red Lion, the barman there will buy you your 3rd drink after you buy the first two."

"Ahhh, that's nuttin," said the Irishman. "Back home in Dublin there's O'Driscoll's Bar. Now, the moment you set foot in the place they'll buy you a drink, then another, all the drinks you like. Then, when you've had enough drinks, they'll take you upstairs and see that you get laid. All on the house."

"Wow," said the Englishman, "did this actually happen to you?"

"Not me, myself, personally, no," said the Irishman "but it happened to me sister!"

orinoco
Posts: 93
Joined: Sat Oct 22, 2005 9:56 pm

Post by orinoco » Fri Aug 28, 2009 10:17 pm

paddy stood at bar pi**ed out of his head, wondering why he has only got two brothers,when his sister has got three!!!!!.



Two Irish men park there car, shut the door then realise they have locked the keys inside, paddy sez we could get a coat hanger and try to unlock it or prize the door open, Mick sez what ever we do better hurry its starting to rain and the tops still down!!!!!!.

DF
Posts: 206
Joined: Fri Nov 05, 2004 9:46 pm

Post by DF » Fri Oct 15, 2010 4:26 pm

Paddy was waiting at the bus stop with his mate when a lorry went by loaded up with rolls of turf.

Paddy said, 'I gonna do that when I win lottery'

'What's dat, says his mate.





'Send me lawn away to be cut'.

DF
Posts: 206
Joined: Fri Nov 05, 2004 9:46 pm

Post by DF » Wed Dec 01, 2010 2:14 pm

Paddy goes to the vet with his goldfish.

"I think it's got epilepsy" he tells the vet.

Vet takes a look and says "It seems calm enough to me".

Paddy says, "I haven't taken it out of the bowl yet".

------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --

Paddy spies a letter lying on his doormat.

It says on the envelope "DO NOT BEND ".

Paddy spends the next 2 hours trying to figure out how to pick the * thing up.

------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- ---------

Paddy shouts frantically into the phone "My wife is pregnant and her contractions are only two minutes apart!"

"Is this her first child?" asks the Doctor.

"No", shouts Paddy, "this is her husband!"

------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- ---------

Paddy was driving home, drunk as a skunk, suddenly he has to swerve to avoid a tree, then another, then another.

A cop car pulls him over as he veers about all over the road.

Paddy tells the cop about all the trees in the road.

Cop says "For gods sake Paddy, that's your air freshener swinging about!"

------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- ---------

An old Irish farmer's dog goes missing and he's inconsolable.

His wife says "Why don't you put an advert in the paper?"

He does, but two weeks later the dog is still missing.

"What did you put in the paper?" his wife asks.

"Here boy" he replies.

DF
Posts: 206
Joined: Fri Nov 05, 2004 9:46 pm

Post by DF » Wed Oct 19, 2011 5:16 pm

Seamus & Bessie...

An Irish farmer named Seamus had an accident with a lorry ,and was suing
the lorry company,
In court their hot-shot solicitor was questioning Seamus..

Solicitor

'Now didn't you say to the Police at the scene of the accident, 'I'm
fine?'

Seamus

'Well, I'll tell you what happened. I had just loaded my favourite cow,
Bessie, into the...'

Solicitor

'I didn't ask for any details','Just answer the question.. Did you not
tell
the police officer, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine!'?'

Seamus

'Well, I had just got Bessie into the sidecar and I was driving down the
road....'


The solicitor interrupted again and said,

'Your Honour, I am trying to establish the fact that, at the scene of the
accident, this man told the police on the scene that he was fine. Now
several weeks after the accident, he is trying to sue my client. I believe
he is a fraud. Please tell him to simply answer the question.'

By this time, the Judge was fairly interested in Seamus's answer and said
to
the solicitor:

'I'd like to hear what he has to say about his favourite cow, Bessie'.

Seamus thanked the Judge and proceeded.

'Well as I was saying, I had just loaded Bessie, my favourite cow, into
the
sidecar and was driving her down the road when this huge lorry and trailer
came through a stop sign and hit me right in the side. I was thrown into
one
ditch and Bessie was thrown into the other. I was hurt very bad like, and
didn't want to move. However, I could hear old Bessie moaning and groaning.
I knew she was in terrible pain just by her groans. Shortly after the
accident, a policeman on a motorbike turned up. He could hear Bessie
moaning
and groaning so he went over to her. After he looked at her, and saw her
condition, he took out his gun and shot her between the eyes.

Then the policeman came charging across the road, gun still in hand,
looked
me up and down, and said,
'How badly are you hurt?'

'Now what would you have said'?

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